Narcissism to the nth Degree

The more I study math, the more I come across theorems with special names, often indicating who came up with the theorem in the first place. Consider the Cauchy-Schwarz inequality or the Rao-Blackwell theorem, or even the notorious Pythagorean theorem (catchy, aren't they?). Econometrics is loaded with these oh-so-cleverly named theorems, and I'm sure the physical science world is, too.

Now, because these theorems are factual statements about the real world, which embody all available knowledge that we have about it at present, and since these theorems in no way changes the composition of reality, I conjecture that Rao, Blackwell, Cauchy, and the rest of the Harlem Globetrotters were likely a bunch of otherwise trifling and paltry dweebs in the social realm, whose only hope of losing their virginity was for a hefty fee at a whore house. Instead of possessing even a shred of modesty and prudery, these pretentious boobs were impelled to slap their name brands onto the math homework of every enervated senior math student across the globe. Let's get it straight: These are not "Newton's Laws," and Poisson the man was irrelevant to the existence of the actual distribution. That is, these factual statements and equalities exist independent of the men whom discover them, and so it's quite silly to me that anybody should name these observations after themselves.

So here's to the guys who just weren't good enough to leave their mark anywhere else in life, who couldn't even stop their mentally-retarded bed partners from aborting the one modest chance they had at passing on their last names. Now, I'm taking a break from reproductive success to memorize your 'glory.'